Top Ten Fictional Girlfriends

Yesterday I had The Wonder Years on Netflix while Jash and I were eating breakfast and we got on the topic of our favorite fictional pop culture girlfriends.  What follows are the ten girls that I would most like to go steady with if they were real and if they would have me, along with my reasons for each selection.  The selection criteria for a candidate is as follows:  The candidate must be a girlfriend (as opposed to a love interest or wife) on a TV show or in a movie and must be considered based only on the character they portray in a particular role (as opposed to the actress’ public persona or a portfolio of appealing fictional girlfriend appearances).

10.  Kelly Kapowski

Ok, honestly, Kelly is here more for iconic stature in the pantheon of fictional girlfriends than for her actual merit; as my bff Maud pointed out, Kelly is a ditz – true, but it’s KELLY KAPOWSKI.

9.  Trinity

Tough, confident, wise, and totally capable of backing you up in a bar fight/massive bar shoot out.  Trinity would (literally) die for her significant other, AND she’s got a sensitive side, like when she confessed her love to Neo’s motionless body.

8.  Patty Mayonnaise

Weird?  Why would it be weird that I have a tween cartoon on my list?  It’s not weird…IT’S NOT WEIRD GUYS, Ok!?  Anyway, Patty rocks – she’s popular, athletic, friendly and outgoing and she knows it’s the thought that counts; remember when Doug made her that shitty towel rack and she used it as a volleyball holder?  What a gal!

7.  Winnie Cooper

THE classic television girlfriend, IMO.  Winnie is smart, pretty, easygoing, and understanding enough to see past your history with Becky Slater or your momentary interest in Inga Finnstrom, the Swedish exchange student; she’s sweet enough to take on a romantic walk but cool enough to run with seniors when she was just a freshman.

6.  Veronica Cornginstone

Gorgeous, passionate, ambitious, and, despite what she might say, loves it when I refer to my arms as “guns”.  She also wouldn’t mind if I grew a mustache like my father’s, so everybody wins.

5.  Diane Court

A brain trapped in the body of a game show hostess.  Diane is refined but doesn’t mind getting it on in the back seat when the moment really strikes; she’s a Rhodes Scholar (or something like it), yet she’s down to earth enough to appreciate spontaneity and a quirky sense of humor.  She also gets major points for having the maturity to deal with her father’s incarceration without having a melt down.

4.  Princess Leia Organa (of Aalderon)

Admittedly not typically thought of as a girlfriend character, but the fact remains that she is.  Leia is powerful, both in title and personality, and proper, but not so much so that she can’t pick up a blaster and waste some fools.  And seriously, what guy doesn’t want a girlfriend that could rescue him from a carbonite cast?

3.  Karen Filippelli

Ok, this one might express some bias on my part.  Rashida Jones is my number one and only celebrity crush.  Much to Jash‘s dismay, anytime he attempts to engage me in a conversation about a hot celebrity, I invariably do not know to whom he is referring, and then promptly bring up Rasida.  I don’t know if it’s her eyes, her skin tone, or the fact that she was friends with Tupac before he “got shot”, but this woman drives me crazy.  Furthermore, aside from being far more attractive, Karen from the The Office was 4 times cooler, and 10 times more ambitious than Pam.  Why Jim chose the latter is a question that will plague me so long as I live.

2.  Annie Savoy

This movie came out the year I was born, so some of my contemporaries might not get this reference up front, but so be it, because Susan Sarandon’s character in Bull Durham is one of the all time greats.  I would trust Crash Davis’ judgment no matter what (my favorite of all my fictional baseball player heros that were played by Kevin Costner), but Annie’s merits also speak for themselves.  She’s interesting, supportive, extremely confident, double extremely sensual and she not only loves baseball, but understands its cosmic importance.  Plus, you already know she’s gonna age well.  Any questions?

1.  Avery Jessup

Sure her politics are pretty different from mine, but none of the other candidates quite match Avery’s confidence, charisma, and whit.  Avery’s media elite status would really help my blog hits plus Elizabeth Banks is b-e-a-u-tiful.  More (most) importantly, though, any one who is good enough for Jack Donaghey is more than good enough for me.

Honorable Mentions:

Marion Silver (Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream) – a girl you can really party with, ya know!?; Leeloo (Mila Jovavich in The Fifth Element) – all of the battle savvy of Trinity, but misses the top ten due to language barrier and because orange would clash with my wardrobe ; Sloan McQuewick – Sloan is classy, caring, and would fulfill the directive my father gave me when I was 15, “marry a woman with more money than you”, but I just could not give douchey Entourage a spot on my top ten.

Bottom Three:

Topanga Lawrence – dirty hippy and too needy around the holidays; Anne from Office Space – every man’s worst nightmare, the woman who hides the fact that she cheated on you not because she regrets it but because she know it’ll really be a great kicker when you two break up; any of the women from Sex and the City – Miranda has too much of her own stuff going on, Charlotte doesn’t have enough, Samantha won’t commit, and Carrie, well, I’d never mess with Mr. Big’s kool-aid.

3 Responses to “Top Ten Fictional Girlfriends”
  1. Shinji says:

    I agree on most of them. But, what about Princess Leia? What if you find out that she is your sister!? 🙂

  2. Mom says:

    All these people are white. You’re clearly a racist fuck.

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