Breaking News: ‘Round Midnight Closed; Re-opening ‘Round Never.

NOTE:  Subsequent to posting, Real Boys Don’t Blog was able to recover corroborating evidence of the closure described below, in this post from ‘Round Midnight’s Facebook page.  We assume that 55 people do not “like” this, so much as they “liked” ‘Round Midnight, or appreciated the tender goodbye post.  Also, note the guy who commented about the friends he met at ‘Round Midnight’s happy hour – really dude?

Late Saturday night, while bartending a 39th birthday party with my friend and genius web-developer, Benton Rochester,  I received a report from an unidentified man that he has purchased and shut down the popular Boulder nightspot, ‘Round Midnight, with the intention of reopening 1005 Pearl Street – located at the intersection of heaven and hell – as a retro-themed arcade, similar to Denver’s The 1Up Arcade.  It is not confirmed whether the buyer is motivated by a psychopathic lack of empathy, a maniacal desire to rule the free world,  or a total obliviousness to the needs of Boulder’s nightlife.  Regardless, this writer is devastated to see the site of his first kiss, the place where he lost his virginity (giving), the place where he lost his virginity (receiving), and the location of his first three drug arrests, disappear like so many 28th Street Wendy’s.

As the information trickles out, initial reactions have been characterized by a cycle of desperate denial, instant and severe depression, suicide attempts, and Facebook post memorials.  One young woman, inconsolable at the news, begged of the Facebook universe, “are you serious!? this is devastating! where will the few Africans we have in Boulder dance now!? where will I dance!?”

Where will any of us dance?

Theories as to why the popular bar and disco was sold and shut have begun to circulate. One such theory holds that ‘Round Midnight, or “Mideeze”, as it is often referred to by hammered 21-and-a-day-year-olds, revolve around the  fact that the bar receives a rough total of five visitors between close on Saturday and 1:18 AM on Friday (let’s face it, the best time to go to ‘Round Midnight is ‘Round last call), and thus lacked the revenue to continue operations.  Another theory suggests that the establishment struggled to sell drinks because 95% of people attending on a given Friday or Saturday night are so sloppy drunk hammered out of their skulls, that by the time they tumble down the steep entrance staircase the thought of another beverage makes them want to puke, which they often do – all over the Haitian lady’s food table.

Benton Rochester was on the scene with me, bartending a very strange (intentionally or perhaps unintentionally) Scarface-themed party, when the report was first issued by a tall, braggadocios gentleman, who turned out to be the buyer.  The man, who is about 6’5” and dressed exactly as you would expect someone who just bought ‘Round Midnight to dress, was accompanied by a rather busty and very attractive blonde woman (the kind of woman who is not found at ‘Round Midnight, or, if found at ‘Round Midnight, was not born Daniele with an “e”).  He was very kind and friendly, and tipped well throughout the night, none of which justifies the fact that he has single-handedly ruined my life and the lives of countless others.

Ever the keen reporter, Benton pressed for details.  This was when the comparison to The 1Up Arcade was made.  The two of us were then invited to “stop by” and promised to be “taken care of”.  Whether this meant quarters for pinball or a gun with which to end the misery of living in a post-‘Round Midnight world, I am not certain.   I don’t intend to wait that long to find out.

Well, Boulder, I guess I’ll see you at The Foundry, or whatever the fuck it’s called.

2 Responses to “Breaking News: ‘Round Midnight Closed; Re-opening ‘Round Never.”
  1. alyssaweber says:

    denver has a version of round midnight called rock bar. you can get bottle service with mad dog 20/20 for like $20. you should probably come visit.

  2. inconsolable says:

    who will step up and fill the dirty dirty dance needs of Boulder?!

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